...of my biological clock has gotten obnoxiously loud, so I've decided to give in and work on getting pregnant sometime this summer. Why? That is the question, innit.
Oddly, when I was 14, I decided that I was never going to get pregnant. Health class made it sound icky and gross; and let's be honest here, it also made the fetus sound like a parasite. Still does, if I'm being truthful. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be a mom but never, ever, wanted to be pregnant. I mean, ewww. I figured I'd adopt and then me and my child would settle down to being a family.
So why have I changed my mind? Because adoption is EXPENSIVE!! The average cost to adopt a child state-side is $10,000-$15,000; to adopt internationally - $30,000-$40,000. Then there's the restrictions - many countries will not adopt to single people, even fewer will consider lesbians. That's way more money than I can earn or save in any reasonable amount of time. I've waited a long time to become a mother and I don't want to have to wait too much longer.
Many people struggle with the idea of being a single parent, but I'm not one of them. I've always known that I would be doing this alone. I'm not very good at relationships; my default position is single. Plus I don't really have any desire to be "married."
I've honestly always assumed that I would be unmarried all my life, so the idea that I would parent alone is not frightening for me. I watched my mom raise 5 kids by herself and know that it was a struggle, so I have no illusion about being a single parent. It's hard, exhausting, nerve-wracking, stressful, and sometimes unforgiving work but that doesn't put me off wanting to be a mom. I can handle those things.
What frightens me more is the idea of never having someone of my own to love and/or dying alone and leaving no one behind to remember me or care that I was here and am gone. Stupid, yeah? Selfish? I don't know. For what other reason do people have children? I have no worries about my "family name" - my brothers have that one all locked up, mostly by accident but whatever. I feel like my reasons are as good as theirs, probably better because this is a child I very much want and am planning for.
So in July I will begin trying to get pregnant. I'm actually looking forward to the "journey" and the sensations and all that nonsense. I still kinda think fetuses are parasites but I can live with it for nine months. And in the end, I'll have someone to love and cherish. That is more than worth it.
Jan 26, 2009
Jan 22, 2009
Woke up pissed off...not good!
It's official, I am done teaching middle school!
1. I am sick to death of kids who don't pay attention, do the work, come to school, give a crap about anything or anyone else.
2. I am tired of parents who don't want you to discipline their kid in any way but want to know what you're going to do about the kid's failing grade!
3. I hate being harassed and talked down to by people who think that because I spend all day with children, my job is somehow less important than anything else they do.
4. I cannot continue to beg and beg and beg the same students to turn in their homework/pay attention in class/stop being disrespectful every single day!
5. I deserve to earn a wage that supports both me and a child, and this is never going to happen.
Why should I continue to be treated like a doormat by both the school district, the parents, and the children? Just because I love teaching doesn't mean that I will continue to allow myself to be devalued and overworked. I don't enjoy anything that much.
What will I do? I don't know, but there's got to be other options out there because I cannot continue in this way. My mental health is far too important for this crap! And if I don't respect myself enough to know when to leave, then I am letting myself be treated poorly and I deserve it. Enough's enough, I think.
1. I am sick to death of kids who don't pay attention, do the work, come to school, give a crap about anything or anyone else.
2. I am tired of parents who don't want you to discipline their kid in any way but want to know what you're going to do about the kid's failing grade!
3. I hate being harassed and talked down to by people who think that because I spend all day with children, my job is somehow less important than anything else they do.
4. I cannot continue to beg and beg and beg the same students to turn in their homework/pay attention in class/stop being disrespectful every single day!
5. I deserve to earn a wage that supports both me and a child, and this is never going to happen.
Why should I continue to be treated like a doormat by both the school district, the parents, and the children? Just because I love teaching doesn't mean that I will continue to allow myself to be devalued and overworked. I don't enjoy anything that much.
What will I do? I don't know, but there's got to be other options out there because I cannot continue in this way. My mental health is far too important for this crap! And if I don't respect myself enough to know when to leave, then I am letting myself be treated poorly and I deserve it. Enough's enough, I think.
Jan 19, 2009
SciFi!!
For the past coupla nights D and I have been watching movies on SciFi...it is a bad thing. So far we've seen...
1. Lost Boys: The Tribe - starring Corey Feldman and Angus Sutherland. Well, nobody expects anything even vaguely like acting from Feldman...and let me tell you, he didn't disappoint on that front. And as for the young brother of Kiefer, well, he ain't no Brando. Hell, he ain't even a Groucho. It was bad, y'all, real bad.
2. Dead or Deader - a SciFi movie, which is an extra special treat. Genetically modified scorpions...SCORPIONS!...are attacking people on a military base and turning them into zombies. Lots of green blood and bad hair. And puns. Not good. Best of all, Dean Cain looking pasty and kinda chubby. I'd explain the plot but just IMDB it; I don't have the time or space on this blog to go into it. Suffice it to say, Dean is infected but heroic enough to withstand the zombification. AWESOME!
The best thing about SciFi is they don't spare the expense for special effects, however, plot and acting are clearly not very high priorities. As a matter of fact, I would hesitate to say that plot plays a significant roll at any point in the process. Acting also takes one for the team, so to speak.
There's also their complete commitment to providing barely coherent, but visually entertaining, late night movie fodder. The occasional incorporation of C-list actors (Dean Cain with a bad dye job anyone?) just serves as whipped cream on my hot chocolate. It's fabulous.
What do you like about SciFi? Is it the high quality? The expensive special effects? The uber-talented actors? It's all good, just as long as your standards are appropriately, shall we say, flexible. Clearly mine are, I'm still watching Dead or Deader, and kinda lovin' it.
1. Lost Boys: The Tribe - starring Corey Feldman and Angus Sutherland. Well, nobody expects anything even vaguely like acting from Feldman...and let me tell you, he didn't disappoint on that front. And as for the young brother of Kiefer, well, he ain't no Brando. Hell, he ain't even a Groucho. It was bad, y'all, real bad.
2. Dead or Deader - a SciFi movie, which is an extra special treat. Genetically modified scorpions...SCORPIONS!...are attacking people on a military base and turning them into zombies. Lots of green blood and bad hair. And puns. Not good. Best of all, Dean Cain looking pasty and kinda chubby. I'd explain the plot but just IMDB it; I don't have the time or space on this blog to go into it. Suffice it to say, Dean is infected but heroic enough to withstand the zombification. AWESOME!
The best thing about SciFi is they don't spare the expense for special effects, however, plot and acting are clearly not very high priorities. As a matter of fact, I would hesitate to say that plot plays a significant roll at any point in the process. Acting also takes one for the team, so to speak.
There's also their complete commitment to providing barely coherent, but visually entertaining, late night movie fodder. The occasional incorporation of C-list actors (Dean Cain with a bad dye job anyone?) just serves as whipped cream on my hot chocolate. It's fabulous.
What do you like about SciFi? Is it the high quality? The expensive special effects? The uber-talented actors? It's all good, just as long as your standards are appropriately, shall we say, flexible. Clearly mine are, I'm still watching Dead or Deader, and kinda lovin' it.
Jan 15, 2009
The Weather
Since I live in Texas I have certain expectations about the weather:
1. It will be unbearably hot from late May until October, maybe even November.
2. Winter is actually just "summer lite" and there's no reason to own a real coat.
3. If there is a bout of cold, it will only last a few days - maybe a week or so.
4. The sun will shine...a lot, except when a cold front blows through, then it will rain like crazy.
5. I will try not to go outside from July to September...sweating is bad!
So, what's my point? Right now it's about 42 degrees outside and I'm freezing my ass off. Maybe I should turn on the heater? Maybe...
1. It will be unbearably hot from late May until October, maybe even November.
2. Winter is actually just "summer lite" and there's no reason to own a real coat.
3. If there is a bout of cold, it will only last a few days - maybe a week or so.
4. The sun will shine...a lot, except when a cold front blows through, then it will rain like crazy.
5. I will try not to go outside from July to September...sweating is bad!
So, what's my point? Right now it's about 42 degrees outside and I'm freezing my ass off. Maybe I should turn on the heater? Maybe...
Jan 14, 2009
When sleep reminds you...
Last night my mind served me a bitch-slap of ginormous proportions...while I was sleeping, no less. I dreamt and it was not good.
In my dream, I went to Freeport to visit my mother and when I arrived, I began washing the dishes. As I washed the dishes, water sloshed onto the floor from decades-old pots and pans that had been left to soak in the sink. I then alternated between washing the pots and mopping up the water on floor, the whole time keeping up a running commentary with Deanna about how old all my mom's dishes were. I stopped mopping (I think at one point I was both mopping and dish-washing), turned to D and said, "You know what, I think I'll get my mom some new pots and pans for Christmas! That'll be a really nice gift for her." D asked where she was and I didn't know. Then I woke up.
Why is this significant, you ask? Well, my mother passed away in September 2004 just after Labor Day; at our Labor Day barbeque, I commented on how crappy her pots/pans were while she was washing dishes. We agreed that I'd get her some new ones for Christmas. Then she died three weeks later.
My subconscious is kind of an asshole.
In my dream, I went to Freeport to visit my mother and when I arrived, I began washing the dishes. As I washed the dishes, water sloshed onto the floor from decades-old pots and pans that had been left to soak in the sink. I then alternated between washing the pots and mopping up the water on floor, the whole time keeping up a running commentary with Deanna about how old all my mom's dishes were. I stopped mopping (I think at one point I was both mopping and dish-washing), turned to D and said, "You know what, I think I'll get my mom some new pots and pans for Christmas! That'll be a really nice gift for her." D asked where she was and I didn't know. Then I woke up.
Why is this significant, you ask? Well, my mother passed away in September 2004 just after Labor Day; at our Labor Day barbeque, I commented on how crappy her pots/pans were while she was washing dishes. We agreed that I'd get her some new ones for Christmas. Then she died three weeks later.
My subconscious is kind of an asshole.
Jan 10, 2009
Whole Foods
Today I went to Whole Foods with the roommate...it's like a food mall. I like to "window shop" there. It's kinda fun and I can taste foods I've never eaten before such as butternut squash (didn't care for it - tasted like a mix of potato and zucchini...blech). Anyway, the Whole Foods in my town has underground parking; it is AWFUL.
There is nothing good about that. Every time I go there I feel in danger for my life; the place is like some kinda crazy maze, going around and around in circles, trying to find a place to park while avoiding all the people who are not paying any attention whatsoever to the fact that other people are driving. I have the same problem with the WF parking lot that I have at Central Market - everyone seems to be assuming they don't have to watch out for cars/pedestrians/anything. Where does this sense of entitlement come from? No idea but it's freaking annoying.
The sheer number of people driving through stop signs, ignoring obvious signs of others backing up, and just generally failing in the "drive friendly" category. It's a total pain in the ass, and always makes me reconsider going to WF.
There is nothing good about that. Every time I go there I feel in danger for my life; the place is like some kinda crazy maze, going around and around in circles, trying to find a place to park while avoiding all the people who are not paying any attention whatsoever to the fact that other people are driving. I have the same problem with the WF parking lot that I have at Central Market - everyone seems to be assuming they don't have to watch out for cars/pedestrians/anything. Where does this sense of entitlement come from? No idea but it's freaking annoying.
The sheer number of people driving through stop signs, ignoring obvious signs of others backing up, and just generally failing in the "drive friendly" category. It's a total pain in the ass, and always makes me reconsider going to WF.
Jan 9, 2009
Better late than peanut butter
I have been mocked for failing to post for over 2 months. I have been busy. Will start posting again.
Soon.
Soon.
Jan 5, 2009
Death
During the Christmas holidays three of my close friends experienced the loss of someone they cared about; it was devastating for them. I knew the young man, Michael, who killed himself but hadn't seen him in almost six years, maybe more, and really don't feel like I knew him very well at all.
And what exactly is there to say in that situation? There isn't anything that sounds adequately sympathetic. I know when my mother passed away it was hard for people to come up with anything other than "I'm sorry," which really is inadequate for everyone involved.
I spent an hour or so on the phone with DD talking about Michael's death and what she feels or should be feeling. The truth is there is nothing you can say to make someone feel better after such a loss, particularly the loss of someone younger and more fragile than you could ever have imagined. I've never had a friend or anyone I care about commit suicide and I have no frame of reference for that.
To Estela, Ana, and DD - I knew Michael though not very well, and wish that I could have gotten to know him better. My memories of him include: tequila and cigarettes at 2 a.m., feeding him Curra's nachos, allowing him to talk me into jumping off a cliff into Lake Austin, and worrying that he drank too much and slept too little. I wish I could tell you that the pain of his loss will go away and leave behind nothing but good memories but that would be a lie. It will always hurt a little whenever you think of him but, and this is important, embrace that pain because it means he is a part of your heart and you will keep him with you forever. I promise.
And what exactly is there to say in that situation? There isn't anything that sounds adequately sympathetic. I know when my mother passed away it was hard for people to come up with anything other than "I'm sorry," which really is inadequate for everyone involved.
I spent an hour or so on the phone with DD talking about Michael's death and what she feels or should be feeling. The truth is there is nothing you can say to make someone feel better after such a loss, particularly the loss of someone younger and more fragile than you could ever have imagined. I've never had a friend or anyone I care about commit suicide and I have no frame of reference for that.
To Estela, Ana, and DD - I knew Michael though not very well, and wish that I could have gotten to know him better. My memories of him include: tequila and cigarettes at 2 a.m., feeding him Curra's nachos, allowing him to talk me into jumping off a cliff into Lake Austin, and worrying that he drank too much and slept too little. I wish I could tell you that the pain of his loss will go away and leave behind nothing but good memories but that would be a lie. It will always hurt a little whenever you think of him but, and this is important, embrace that pain because it means he is a part of your heart and you will keep him with you forever. I promise.
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