Last Sunday I had a total meltdown. Not a small meltdown but a gigantic, "I can't do this!" full-scale quit-fest. I threw my book across the room, picked it up, took Nadia to the farmer's market, came back, tried to read again, threw the book across the table AGAIN, and went to bed. Why the major temper tantrum?
My classes are hard. Simple as that.
I felt stupid because I couldn't understand the chapter I was trying to read. Seriously, I realized I'd read the same sentence three times and had no idea what it was saying...and I had seven more chapters to go in that book. It was an awful realization...like suddenly discovering I'm not as smart as I think I am. That book made me feel dumb and, as an extension, the class leaves me overwhelmed and feeling unprepared. Of course, this is the class I added after school had been in session for two weeks. Since grad classes meet once a week for three hours, a lot of ground gets covered every week - I missed six hours of class. I'm playing catch up. Not very well either. Deanna talked me out of quitting school but, overall, I feel...intimidated.
I'm new here (Dallas area) and I'm used to cruising along, barely having to apply myself. I loved teaching 8th grade but it wasn't necessarily academically challenging or particularly intellectually stimulating. A doctoral program is inherently academically and intellectually demanding. Breaking my habits of laziness and procrastination is proving much harder than I may have previously thought. These are pretty ingrained. But one needs must adjust. Too bad I'm fighting these adjustments tooth-and-nail.
So my current problems are time management and controlling my anxieties. Strangely, after my major meltdown last Sunday, one of my classmates told me that no one does all the reading; I should skim the chapters and determine the important bits, making notes as I go. Then Charley seconded that information. I was floored. Of course, once I started reading some other doctoral program related sites, that idea keeps coming up. No one had told me that before. I'm not great at skimming but I can do that, especially if it will render my reading assignments more doable and less frustrating, particularly time-wise. Will it help to get me caught up in the one class? Nope. Maybe. Can't really say, to be honest.
All I know is that I feel better now, like I have a chance of being successful at this level of grad work. It may be a fallacy to think this but whatever gets me through the semester, I suppose.
